Chipmunk Protection Program

There is a killer lurking in our family… so cold-blooded that with each victim, a pride beams on his face that seems to say “I do this for you.”

His name is Jordy. And he’s our cat. Each day is an adventure with Jordy. Because we have a dog who uses a dog door, we also have a cat that is free to roam the great outdoors. We never know what struggling, half-dead creature from the wilderness he will lay at our feet next. This behavior in cats is very common. It is how they display their value to the pride. However, with my husband and me, it has the opposite effect, making us question our judgment for adding him to the pride in the first place.

Our home has three levels and there will be some days when I’m doing laundry upstairs and I hear the squawk of a bird that cannot escape Jordy’s long-clawed grasp. I dread going downstairs. The constant pressure of knowing that I’m the only chance at rescue that sparrow has is more than I can bear sometimes. That little guy’s fate rests in my bird-fearing hands.

Other days, (and these are my least favorite) he brings us those giant buzzing bugs that make a sound like a hand buzzer in Jordy’s clamped teeth. That’s when I calmly and quietly lock myself in the bathroom with my cell phone and text my husband downstairs. I remind him that critter control is in his job description as a husband and that no one eats dinner until he has exiled said critter.

But worst of all, is Jordy’s favorite victim, the chipmunk. Did you know that chipmunks can run really fast? Did you know they can collapse their skeletons and fit underneath closed doors? Not so easy to rescue, I assure you. But hubby and I have it down to an art. Our critter rescue kit consists of three items: A shoebox without the lid, a broom, and an album cover. Any album cover will do. Ours is a collection of Irish ballads with a misspelling on the cover that reads “The Green Grass of Ireland: Traditional Irish Folksongs Your Going to Love.”

To rescue a chipmunk, it takes two people. One person holds the broom and yells “BOOGA BOOGA” at the little rodent to get him cornered in an area free from furniture. The other person takes the shoe box and slams it down on top of the little guy. Don’t feel bad if you don’t get him the first time. It actually takes about 37 tries before you wear him down and he runs slowly enough to trap. Then slide your Irish ballads, or Barry Manilow, or that William Shatner Sings album cover under the box slowly and carefully. Carry the album with the box outside to a non-disclosed location and set him free under the chipmunk protection program.

Then when the cat brings him in again, repeat steps 1-3.